Its better to be hurt because you are alone, than to be alone because you've been hurt... (org. posted on 1/03/08)

Thursday, January 03, 2008

It's better to be hurt because you are alone, than to be alone because you've been hurt...

I guess I'm just a Pollyanna. I always want to see the best in people. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe people are good deep down. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe it's the opposite. Maybe they just pretend to be good on the outside.


I am tired of being disappointed in people. I want to trust, to believe, to see that someone out there really IS decent.


I've had a very rough 2 ½ years. The people that I trusted most in this world, betrayed me on some level. People that I had thought were my friends, ditched me in my greatest time of need. Even my family betrayed my confidence, at times.


Over these years, I have learned to keep my guard up, not let anyone really 'in', so I wont get hurt again. But I still find myself resorting to my old ways, of seeing the good in people. And time after time I am disappointed.


I came online because I had found myself very alone. I needed to talk to people, not about anything in particular, but just have adult conversation. I needed to gear my thoughts away from my real life and real problems. And I began to cherish the times spent talking with people who seemed to want to be my friend. I began to believe that many people were lonely as well, and just searching for a friendly ear, for a friendly 'face' to talk to. Someone to be REAL with.


I've always known that many lie online. Might as well be someone you are not in real life, I guess. But my Pollyanna stepped in again, and I believed the people I chatted with were the real deal. They were honest, good people. And once again, they have proven me wrong. Why is it so hard to tell the truth? Why is it so hard to just be an honest person? Why is it so hard to accept someone for who they really are?


Are they lying to hurt someone? Or are they lying to protect someone? Either way, it hurts to find out that someone is not telling the truth. Especially when you considered that person a friend.


Part of me wants to just give up being online at all. But I know from my 'real' life, that its no better in the real world. I am the center of gossip in my real life. And totally alone. I try to mind my own business online, just talk to those that have any interest in talking to me. But recently, someone has lied to me. I have gotten two different stories from two different people. And I can honestly say, I don't know who to believe. Basically, because I want to believe neither of them would lie to me, and if they did, whats the motive behind it? I just don't get it. The story has nothing to do with me, so why lie about it???


Then, on the same day, I discover that I saw a supposed friend (more of an acquaintance) lied to a friend of mine. I saw the lie with my own eyes… than discovered the truth. Why? Why do people do that? Whats the point? Why do we all have to play so many games? Why do we need to create havoc in our lives?


I don't chase anyone down, who doesn't seem to want to be my friend, or talk to me. So why put in an effort and time to get to know me, if you are just going to turn around and lie?


Its unfortunate, but a few dishonest people, seem to ruin it for the rest of the honest, real people out there. I find myself terrified to trust and believe anymore. That's not the way I want to be. I'm tired of writing depressing blogs. I'm tired of feeling this way. I used to be so upbeat … what happened to that girl? Happy seems like a distant memory.


I liked being Pollyanna… I want that blissfully ignorant part of me back. But do me a favor… don't take advantage of me for it. I'd rather you just leave me alone, than not be honest with me.



[comment #1: I agree with you completely Karyn! I can't figure out why people have to lie so much...I AM one of the people online that you can trust...I have NO REASON to lie about anything. I am who I am, and if someone doesn't like it, they can kiss it...cuz I love real people too. ;-)
~J]
[comment #2: oh boy, oh boy do I ever feel ya! I know I can be a flirt and stuff, but in general I just try to be me... and all I've ever asked for is honesty... and especially lately that just gets me hurt more and more... cause it's what I expect... but it's not what I seem to get. ~Snow]