Online Stuff (org. posted 6/21/08)

Saturday, June 21, 2008
Online stuff

There are a handful of 'chat' or 'online' couples that i am aware of. But only one has lasted any length of time.

Which makes me wonder about myspace/chat/online dating. I am not talking about the online dating services. I think those might be in a different category. I am referring to 'chatters' that end up trying to have a relationship online. I question whether or not it can work. Here is why:

Real life dating: Boy meets girl, exchange numbers, go on date, spend time together, go on more dates (maybe).

"Chat" dating: Boy meets girl in chat room, add to 'friends', email, send comments, instant message, talk for hours.

Chat dating seems simple enough. You are getting to know one another by talking over the internet, instead of face to face. Some may say that it can be better. You have a chance to "really" get to know a person. (it can be easier to open up to someone online sometimes, but it can also be easier to lie to them) You can skip the nervousness of first impressions. But there are some major flaws to this, flaws which I am not sure can be overcome.

If you are on a real life date, it would be rare for another guy/girl to pull up a chair at your dinner table and start a conversation with you, pulling your attention away from your date. But, online, that happens all the time, and it's 'acceptable' because your date cant see it happen! Your attention is pulled away from the person you were supposedly trying to impress, because suddenly someone else is more interesting, or at least shows potential. Welcome to 'multitasking'. Some people are great at it, you would never know they were talking to more than one person. But with the MAJORITY of chatters, its obvious when they are distracted. Whether its another person, or surfing the internet, or reading an email, etc.

In real life dating, you spend a few hours together in spurts. But you don't talk the entire time. You eat, watch a movie, take pauses in your conversations. Its ok that you don't talk non-stop, because you can SEE that person and are WITH that person. After a date, you often leave wanting to spend more time with that person, to get to know them better. In chat dating, everything is based on your conversations. You spend hours upon hours talking to that person, getting to know them very well. Its harder to take 'pauses' in your chatting though, because the person on the other end cant see you or know what you are doing. They can easily assume you have someone else to talk to, since the opportunity arises for them as well. It's too easy to start talking to someone else new with a click of a button.


And often I think we get bored. 'Chatters' are used to talking to lots of people in a chat room. They thrive on new interaction. It can be hard to talk to only one person. (If see a future with someone from online... you best figure out if you enjoy each others company as well as conversation. )

I assume there are even more problems when you get to the next 'level'. (boyfriend/girlfriend, if you will…)

Real life dating: you become 'exclusive'. You don't date others, at the end of a date, you don't go to the bar to pick up new prospects, adding their numbers to your address book, and start calling them. You don't take new friends of the opposite sex out for coffee and talk for a few hours alone.


So, why is it ok to do the equivalent online? I'm not sure two chatters can be 'exclusive'…

Chat dating: After talking for a few hours on instant message, one person decides to go into a chat room. They start talking to a new person, add to friends list, leave comments, begin emailing or instant messaging. A new prospect is born. There is always the open door for something better to come along. Someone slightly more interesting. Someone new. The big problem with this on myspace, is it leaves a 'trail' for your date to see. (New friends added, comments left, etc) And sometimes this 'trail' causes more problems. Suspicion arises from seeing only one half of a conversation through comments or 'inside jokes'. Its more 'acceptable' to talk to new people online. And just too tempting and easy. If you were exclusive in real life, you would have a harder time dating someone else on the side.

Now, I'm not saying that if you find someone you are interested in online, you cant talk to anyone else ever again. But if you compare it to real dating, something's not right. A girl gets upset when her boyfriend 'checks out' the pretty girl that walks by when he's out on a date with her… but online, he not only can 'check her out', but start up a conversation without his 'girlfriend' ever knowing.

How do you solve this? How do you make something like this work? Are you honest with your 'date', and tell them when you'd rather talk to someone else that just instant messaged you? Or do you make up another excuse to not hurt their feelings? Do you limit your time talking to one another, in effort to keep interest alive? Do you stop chatting in the chat room, or just stop 'picking up' or 'adding' new friends?

I don't have the answers to this. There is a line between sharing/ being open and honest with your "date", and keeping your privacy/own life. I'm not sure where that line is, and even more so, I'm not sure where it is in the chat/online world.

I just feel like there is more to do with this type of dating. So you better be prepared to figure out whatever it is that needs to be done! That is, if you want it to work.

I dont know....just rambling as always...

PS…. On top of the online/myspace problems…I realize there is another whole aspect to consider… DISTANCE. Most people that 'meet' online, have to deal with distance between them. Sometimes they don't even get to actually MEET until further into their 'relationship'. But how much can you get to know someone when you cant even be around them? I feel that over half of the reasons someone is attracted to another person, is physical. And that is so much more than just looks alone. Its how they act, their mannerisms, the way they talk, dress, etc. There's so much more to learn about someone that you cant learn online.

And what happens if they actually meet? And continue a relationship? Well, no one should pick up their life and move to the other right away. (that's a BIG risk, when you haven't spent A LOT of actual time together)… so how do you maintain a long distance relationship? Especially when it involves all the unanswered problems of Myspace? What is involved in a long distance relationship? How do you make it work? Can it be done? Do you have to talk to each other each day? If you were in the same city, would you make a point to talk or even just text once a day? If not, would being in a long distance relationship be reason to make sure that you do? (since you don't get to see each other as often?) I am sure there are 'special' actions that you have to take, to make a long distance relationship work. I am sure you have to make extra effort, above your 'norm', to make it work. But what does that involve?


Ok.. really.. I am done now.. and with no answers. (feel free to enlighten me if you have any ideas or solutions!)